I first emailed Philosopher several months ago. At that time I had just discovered Russian esoterics based on Toltec ideas and found it to be resonant, and fascinating. I was involved with another group and found the obsessive effect it was having on my mind to be worrying, so I moved laterally and contacted him. At the time I found myself feeling very locked up inside, confused, defensive, in response and Philosopher replying instantly to my emails and asking me questions which I did not have any immediate answers for really made me start thinking about the way I was approaching esoterics in general. I expressed many concerns about health and social manifestation but never clearly explained what I have been seeking (and to an extent, actually experiencing) for a long time, since the first time I did hard inquiry type meditation 8 years ago.
I found that although I definitely had been seeking higher spiritual understanding and to get genuine, true, actually useful results from my healing and magic there was a bit of a disconnect. It isn't that I hadn't been trying to solve my problems myself before, but there wasn't a clear understanding of why it is important to be reasonably well socially manifested, or what exactly needs to be done, even though the stimulus is present in discomfort, this is what made the difference, got me on more of the right track. I had been in a state of one foot in the door one foot out for a long time, not looking acutely enough at my weaknesses and fears, instead letting them just dictate my actions. There was a period of wondering if I really can think like I think I can. I eventually realized I should not be quite so open to suggestion, I can be sure of things.
Additionally, some of the things that were said and on the website simply resonated, and would not leave my mind. Certain pieces began to join together with other ones, eventually it came together kind of all at once. It was through this process that I was able to eventually come to attunement with the thought form.
I read the first 7 or so Castaneda books, spoke with a student of his, and let it sink in for some time. I worked on stopping internal dialogue. I found that by The Fire Within it was starting to kind of blur, I was reading amazing things as if it was a fiction. I stopped reading Castaneda for a while, returning to read Journey to Ixtlan recently. I paid a lot of attention to how I feel around people, when talking to women, when talking to friends, when I act a certain way, when I think a certain way, when I eat certain things, how I feel around my parents, paying attention to different views of reality and watching how this produces literally different reality..
I evaluated what made me feel so insulted and irritated before. I felt that I wasn't being understood, but there was only a direct reply to what I was saying. I kept evaluating what it is I really want in relationships, out of a job. Do I want, a lot of sexy women around? Well, sure, but what I really want is a spiritually productive relationship. I've known that, I just wasn't fully accepting it, and because of that animal consciousness repeatedly got the better of me. Do I want.. a ton of money, and a nice car? Well to do what I want to do, to be able to choose my environment, yes I will need money. And to do a job I feel doesn't suit my real capacities is painful. But also, not as painful as I was making it.
I started magical practice again, working with simple rune invocations. Raidho was helpful but I wasn't able to get a full grip on using it to make a correction that lasted. Since the runes were helping me change myself and calling to me I decided to get initiations for Reiki Yggdrasil and work with that, since it is built for better social manifestation and expansion of consciousness. I found it to be good, useful tools, I was able to change myself, my personal rhythms, reactions, habits, learn things from the previous paragraph, it is good to simply think along the lines of the major aspects of life, sharpened my perception of energy quite a bit. To objectify some things exactly that have happened- I removed some kind of hook from the left side of the top of my head and began to think more clearly. I removed an ex-girlfriend from Swadisthan. I began to feel less sexual shame, began to understand people better. I began to accept myself more fully. I practiced recapitulation whenever some kind of emotional memory would come up.
But interestingly, there was something else to this. My instructor carried a state I could easily resonate with of clarity, easy intuition, easy perception. It seemed that I had actually been learning quite a lot for a long time but was not aware of it. It is possible even that face to face with an instructor I just suddenly decided to actually know what I was talking about and be firm, and I did.
Before, I thought my energy vision was blocked. It wasn't, I just didn't feel good enough, adequate, like I needed long hard practice to ever get there. It turned out through doing 15 or so sessions with people I was able to gain accurate perceptions and information and also direct energy in an effective way that helped them. In one case somebody canceled their neurologist appointments because they stopped having symptoms. Usually people were able to feel the energy, even if they hadn't felt energy before. Very excited about all of this, I kept doing it, and kept myself energetically as clean as possible and grounded frequently with a tree in my back yard. I was taking a lot of walks also, very long walks. For a couple weeks I took leave from work. When I was back I noticed people were reacting in a very different way to me, and me to them.
I started being drawn to talk of operating from the heart center, Anahata, the awakening of the heart, I realized, this was this huge difference I was experiencing.
About 3 weeks ago a bit of lethargy seemed to set in, I was finding myself waking up and thinking I was crazy for believing I was doing anything a couple times, I stopped going for walks, felt just drained. Also, that place of easy clarity, connection, sureness, was becoming less easy to access. I realized this is because I am not in active contact with people who have that resonance (position of assemblage point?) and that I may not be able to hold it myself all of the time. Not a terminal problem, just needs some solving. I noticed that being around people who don't have that as exclusive interaction brings me down from there. Earlier today, I even found myself feeling a bit depressed. I snapped out of it by finding a sense of humor, worked with my karmic patterns causing inertia using RI, then sent this email yesterday.
About 5 minutes after I sent this email, my left eye twitched, and seemingly even rotated a little bit and I saw an absolutely pristine, incredibly vivid and bright blue and white spark appear on the right side of my chest just below and to the left of the nipple. My first thought was this was me being looked at. I immediately left the house and took a long walk up a mountainside. For part of the time, I ran up. I stopped to answer Philosopher's reply back, and I thought jeez, have I really not come up with a good online name yet in my life, that resonates properly? Well, Elhaz is okay. It resonates enough. So no need to worry there- but then wait! Oh no, my password. Is my password good enough, symbolic enough? I thought of coming up with a new password and laughed a bit at myself and then decided it is better to just be firm. I stopped to appreciate the beauty of the sunset and of nature but felt a bit rushed. Once I got home I was asked to write this, so I did, and I think this will be good enough for now.“Well. It took several months to begin to adjust to the thoughtform, to understand what you had said to me and what is stated on your website. Most of what is on the front page of your website is understandable to me now.
In that time I have engaged my own abilities for energy work and magic and the help of others to try to repair my social and health problems, read Castaneda's books, spoken to a student of Castaneda's, engaged in stopping my internal dialogue and some stalking, engaged in some healing practices, and noticed there is some kind of clear delineation of states that is possible which I assume is my assemblage point temporarily going up.
In this state intuition is greatly heightened, purpose in life becomes clear, significant healing with reiki has happened (actually treating physical diseases..) ,I am well able to tune into the energy of situations, people, items, the local plan, generally this is an amazing thing, where I would prefer to be, and then it drops again to its usual position.
Once that has happened, ideas of "becoming special" are popping up. Clinging, longing feelings of wanting transcending, but a perverted version of this, like I am forgetting my own experience. Which is obviously problematic. Since started off in the esoteric world 8 years ago with Buddhism/practices of inquiry/non-mind my goal has been to approach truth and not live in, well basically a money-power egoic perspective. At that time, by the way, I was well saturated with money, friends, girlfriends, I've been looking for something else other than that.. at this point, I'm not far off from being able to achieve that sort of success anyway, which is good..
I have also noticed that animal body consciousness flares up and became more difficult to control than usual- food, sex, nothing horrific, just, less control, higher appetites than usual.
It feels like the shift of the vehicle upward is something slippery and difficult in my current surroundings. Easier is to turn internal dialogue off. So my question is, what factors are influencing this, how could I stay at this level, what life do I need to build to do this, what practices are best? What steps would a person reasonably take at this point? In your opinion. The one main thing I feel is that I would need to move somewhere else, there is some fears/complexes associated with this, but nothing so deep I don't think I could eventually fix it myself either. In fact all of this feels to be some probably transient distress, but also maybe a key moment if I can rise and do what I need to."